[This post contains crude language and some crazed lady-ranting. I'm not apologizing. I'm just saying.]
Dear Mr. Wayne,
Last week, a friend sat me down and insisted I listen to what he deemed “the most misogynistic song to ever exist.” While I usually don’t go out of my way to listen to music that will make me want to rip my own ovaries out, he seemed so excited about it. So I complied. I listened to your song, “B*tches Love Me,” and I listened pretty closely, mostly because I thought I was missing something. Is this song supposed to be funny?
I’ve heard the song on the radio since, and my blood pressure gets out of control every time a word gets bleeped out — every two seconds — because THE WHOLE THING IS DISGUSTING. Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I am just ashamed that I laughed a little when I first heard it, before the chorus got in my head and the lyrics really sunk in. If my speaking voice was less shrill, I would just complain to my friends about this, but, Mr. Wayne (or can I call you Lil?), I am just plain mad at you. Seventh grade girl, red in the face, ignoring you for a week before I burst out on you in the lunchroom MAD.
But, I have recently been told that I can finally communicate above a seventh grade level (Woo hoo! I can read something other than Where the Red Fern Grows and restore some of my faith in humanity at last!), so I am going to try to be rational.
Here are some of the lyrics I laughed at during my first listen:
”And these hoes love me like Satan
f*ck with me and get bodied
And all she eat is d*ck
She on a strict diet.”
Wait, what? Are these “hoes” like Satan? Are you like Satan? Or do they love like how Satan loves? Because I heard a rumor he only loves killing puppies, and by heard a rumor, I mean read it in a book (Damn you, Red Fern!!). Anyway, I don’t understand how that would be appealing. I also didn’t know what “bodied” meant, so I looked it up. The dictionary says it means, “Give material form to something abstract.” That sounds pretty philosophical, I guess. Urban Dictionary defines “bodied” as, “piss drunk,” and/or “slang word meaning killed or murdered.” Well, which is it, Lil? Are you going to murder me or are we going out in the backyard and shotgunning beers?
In terms of the last two lines, I don’t even know where to start. I want to give you the benefit of the doubt (sort of); are you referring to some European delicacy? Is d*ck actually slang for ice cream? I don’t really want to have to look it up on Urban Dictionary, so I suppose I will never know. Even if it was slang for ice cream, you know people can’t live on ice cream, right? They will die. PEOPLE NEED NUTRITION. IF YOU ARE SO FRICKEN RICH AND FABULOUS WHY CAN’T YOU BUY YOUR DATES NICE DINNERS?! WHERE IS THE LOBSTER, I ASK YOU?!
Okay, we should move on before I have a stroke.
“And girl, I f*ck who I want
And f*ck who I don’t
Got that A1 credit
At that Filet Mignon
She say “I never wanna you make you mad,
I just wanna make you proud”
I say “baby, just make me cum,
Then don’t make a sound.””
Who said that? What woman actually said that to you, Lil Wayne?! And then was like, “Oh yeah, sure, I really didn’t want to talk ANYWAY because as a WOMAN talking is rather DIFFICULT because it requires all that THINKING so instead I’ll just be here as your sexual object. No, no, please. You haven’t offended me at all! I will not make a sound. Not a single sound. Here, I will even hold my breath just in case breathing out my nose makes my boogers squeak.” And, is this one of the girls you want to have sexual intercourse with or one who you don’t? I’m a little concerned about your prioritizing. I mean, you clearly deserve the best, so WHY SETTLE? Have some self respect, dude. Your body is a temple and stuff.
(I’m sorry if my words are hard to understand, I keep vomiting in my mouth a little.)
In your song, poem, drunken monologue or whatever this is, you go on to say that,
“Can’t treat these hoes like ladies, man.
P*ssy, money, weed, codeine
She say my d*ck feel like morphine … ”
What constitutes a ho, exactly? Is it a woman thing? Is it an outfit thing? I don’t want to jump to conclusions again. Maybe a ho could be a dude. Wearing a fur cape. Maybe a ho is a slang term for ill-tempered raccoon. In that case, I can see how it would be inappropriate for you to treat a ho like a lady. But just in case these “hoes” are actually women, I think you should state a clearer definition. I mean, I would never want my friends to be mistaken for hoes. Or my sister or my mom. Because those are some ladies who deserve to be treated like ladies. DUH.
Also, this might be a weird question, but are you ingesting money? Is “p*ssy, money, weed, codeine” some kind of new health shake?
And, lastly, I don’t mean to burst your bubble (or whatever), but are you aware of the actual side effects of morphine? Yes, I get it, morphine is addictive, but according to drugs.com, it can also cause severe diarrhea, nausea, urinating less than usual or not at all, nightmares, rectal bleeding, and unconsciousness. Is that what your d*ck does? You should get that checked out.
I’m not going to freak out at you anymore, Lil. I still have to write my letters to Future and Drake (c’mon, Drake, did you learn NOTHING from Degrassi?!). I hope your song stops being popular soon because hearing it all the time is taking years off my life, and I clearly don’t have the same health resources as you (my dentist refuses to give me grillz). Maybe someday we can collaborate on a parody. Maybe it can be called, “I treat women like human beings.” Catchy!
Yours in Seventh Grade Girl Fury,