Crime Blotter

Today I picked up USC’s campus newspaper, The Daily Trojan, for the first time, hoping to learn more about social events that aren’t football. Instead, I found this, the first entry in the crime blotter:

CRIMES AGAINST A PERSON
At 2:29 P.M. on Sept. 4, a staff
member in the Eileen and Kenneth
T. Norris Dental Science Center
reported receiving several
annoying text messages from her
ex-boyfriend after asking him not
to contact her anymore.

Even as I type it, I am cackling at the stupidity of it.  Did someone really call the Department of Public Safety because their ex sent them “annoying text messages?” I am inspired!

Rather than call DPS about every mundane thing that happens to me, instead I shall record it here, in my very own crime blotter (let’s be real, that’s what blogs are for, right?). Try to pick out which of these are fictional and which are made up:

CRIMES AGAINST A PERSON
At 9:43 P.M. on Sept. 6, a student
reported seeing what she described as
a “Godzilla-sized” spider in her bedroom.
DPS officers tracked the suspect on foot,
but have not disclosed any information about
arrests or a set court date.

CRIMES AGAINST A FRUIT
At 11:17 A.M.
on Sept. 7, the remains
of a pomegranate were found strewn across
the sidewalk of S. Catalina St. DPS suspects a
domestic dispute. The victim’s remains were
cleared, except for a few pink gelatin seeds
that rolled under a parked car. If you or
someone you know has information about
this crime, call the DPS fruit violence
prevention hotline.

CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY
At 8:31 P.M.
on Sept. 7, DPS received
multiple noise complaints regarding a
buzzing noise coming from a house near
campus. Upon investigation, officers found
that the dog breeder who owns the house
was giving amateur tattoos to a friend. No
charges were pressed, but all parties involved
successfully suppressed gags.

(Hint: None of these are fictional.)

Also, if anyone cares, my friend and YouTube star, Abbe, just finished a cut of another video that I wrote. It has singing, it has walking, and it has a little booty shaking. But best of all, it made me laugh. So maybe it will make you laugh.
This is all I want from life.

If you have an idea for a “fake” crime blotter, leave it in a comment below. I have no friends, I need the entertainment.

3 thoughts on “Crime Blotter

  1. NOTICE OF MISSING PAPERS: 11:35 AM EST. An APB has been issued after several pieces of paper with important looking charts were reportedly found missing from an equally important looking report. If you have any information as to the whereabouts of these papers, please contact the CompleteRepleteReports hotline, sponsored by the Paper Clips for All Foundation.

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