Sporknotes: Titanic

Last night I was pleasantly intoxicated and wanted to watch something that would make it acceptable for me to cry myself to sleep. I racked through the movies that get the tears welling no matter what: Love Actually, The Lion King, Space Jam …

But then it hit me like a big ol’ giant iceberg. Titanic! Of course! I can’t even listen to the flutey theme song and not get teary. Just pressing ‘play’ on that movie gets me hiccuping.

Somehow in my drunken state, I ended up just watching about 934732 clips on YouTube? I don’t know. Things got fuzzy after I watched an interview with Kate Winslet about pantyhose.

At some point, I know I decided to do a Sporknotes on Titanic, as in write a synopsis. When I woke up, this is what I found:
(As usual, I have only edited the naughty words. I also added some pictures in there for funsies.)

Dear Rose From Titanic,

What the [truck] is wrong with you?

Okay, first of all. I understand why you don’t like creepy eyeliner guy at the beginning. Yes, he gives you the biggest diamond in the ocean, but he disses Picasso which I have only recently found funny. When I was eight and I saw this movie on a plane, that went right over my head. As did other things. But that is not what I’m here to disucss.

The thing is that it only just occurred to me that Jack might not have followed you off the boat. If the boat hadn’t capsized. And he hadn’t died. I;m sorry to bring up the terrible memories – hey I cry everytime too – but I think Jack had douchebag potential.

It hurts my heart

Because one, he HAS A BINDER FULL OF WOMEN. Everyone is mad at Romney but Jack is walking around the poop deck with a bunch of sketches of naked whores. And weird hands.  You were all like, “oh Jack you must have slept with all these ladies,” and he was like “I’m flicking my hair out of my eyes, implying that we were friends and not [duck]buddies but yeah she is a prostitute. With hands.” DUH. ROSE. Look at his eyes. No one is an angel face like that. Unless they have crabs.

And it pains me to bring this up because I am fairly sure that Jack Dawson was the first fictional character to ever stir my loins (and by that I mean I was eight and I always put him on my MASH future husband list) and I was so sure that he was going to rescue you from your DIAMONDS poor thing but I think he probably would have sold your nudey pic to someone on the street for some beer money in New York.

Is that how you meet your real husband who is not on a boat? I always wonder that. Did you just strut around with your awesome Kate Winslet boobs until one of your suitors didn’t drown? I kind of hope so.

I just have to mention one more thing. You made car sex look romantic. Why would you do that? Cars are for transportation, not penetration. Leo has all that leg room for his post-love-making sobbing but try doing that in a hybrid. You will YOU WILL pull a muscle. Or break a window. Or get caught by DPS.

Maybe this is what growing up is like. Realizing that Jack Dawson might have given you an STD and maybe lied to you because sometimes when people go on cruises they only want get laid or swim with dolphins. Jack did both. But he said he loved you and I hope that was truthful. It is not always truthful.

You shouldn’t have thrown away the diamond.

Never Letting Go,


So incredibly worth the hangover.
Also, I had this open in my Firefox and loved it, pure genius.


What is your favorite crying movie?
…. Mom.

40 thoughts on “Sporknotes: Titanic

  1. You are joking, right? How about Love Story, Brian’s Song, Private Ryan, Beaches, Born Free, Remember the Titans (one of my all time favorites), Rudy, Billboard Dad . . .

    • Billboard Dad!!! hhahaha! That WAS a tear jerker — “I’m going to be filthy, filthy rich.” But, yes, I was joking (cue montage of any time that movie is on and we are both sobbing into Specks on the couch).

    • Autumn! Thank you for reading my blog 🙂 AND I’m so glad you commented because I just read something like eight of your blog posts in a row. You are so funny!! I’m glad all of your columns are online!

      I also looked up Ordinary People and now that I see Mary Tyler Moore is in it, I must must pursue!! I’ll have tissues ready — the trailer was INTENSE.

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