How to Gain Weight

I already told you, I think that you’re beautiful the way you are.

After writing my post on How to Lose Weight, I realized I have so much MORE, perhaps even practical-er advice about health and life. So, here is another list. Like the previous one, it also came from my pink head.

How to Gain Weight

Check the calories. Try to make each meal at least 1,000 calories. For example: I could get a turkey sandwich at Subway, but I think that’s how Jared lost all that weight. Instead, Mr. Sandwich Maker Man, could I please have a triple meat foot longer with extra mayonnaise? Actually, make that two. I can fit it.See! Don’t you feel like you gained three pounds just reading that? You’re welcome!

Contemplate love. If you are in a relationship, order Chinese food more. Do not get up from the couch for entire days, and make sure sex doesn’t get too strenuous! You might accidentally exercise that way. If you are not in a relationship, order Chinese food more. Do not get up from the couch for entire days and make sure crying to yourself doesn’t get too strenuous! You might accidentally exercise throw up on yourself.

Look at pictures of skinny people. Trust me, you’ll get hungry for second dinner in no time.

Talk about working out. Then, you don’t actually have to! For example: Oh, you run? Yeah, I used to run. In 8th grade, I did a nine minute mile for the Presidential Fitness Test. I figured that was my peak, so now I mostly watch the Olympics. If Dancing With The Stars isn’t on at the same time, of course. Voila — using the word “run” in a sentence counteracts any accidental physical activity you do during the day (brushing your teeth, that sit up you do when you get out of bed, walking to the toilet, etc).

Buy baggy clothes. And don’t stop eating until you fit into them. This woman has a lot of work to do:


P.S. Please don’t actually do any of this. In fact, never take advice from me, ever. I would much rather hear that you had a festival where you publicly burn my effigy than hear that you are doing anything that I’ve suggested. Unless my suggestion was “live your life and be happy.” That one’s okay. Do that.

63 thoughts on “How to Gain Weight

  1. Pingback: How to Lose Weight | Wolf Like the Animal

    • Ha! This is definitely some food for thought! (ba dum ching) Maybe it has something to do with the price of lawyers or the unexplainable urge to eat eight times your weight in cupcakes every day of your marriage? Ah, the mysteries of life …

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