Sporknotes: Willy Wonka Fashion

It’s Black Friday (no offense), and I wanted to write something about fashion in order to help you out in your quest for the perfect purchase. The original Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory provided a most scrumdiddlydumptious source of inspiration. I mean, check out Mike Teevee’s mom’s eye make-up! Delectable.

Fashion Week, 1971

The “Golden Ticket”

Charlie Bucket, Get the Look: Charlie is all model with his starving, tousled look. Nothing says “demure” like a vintage navy blue turtle neck and brushed out at-home perm. Keep yourself skinny, but conscious, by allowing yourself a bite of chocolate once a year on your birthday. Never get braces.

The “Cheer Up Charlie”

Grandpa Joe, Get the Look: Keep that emaciated sheen by laying in bed for over twenty years and staying on the cabbage soup diet (worked for Oprah!).  When you do get up, go for the classic suit and a ‘stache that says, “my muscles may have deteriorated 14 years ago, but, girl, I’m full of Fizzy Lifting Drink.” Wink.

The “Bad Egg”

Veruca Salt, Get the Look: Nothing says, “I want it now,” like a daring red dress.  Tune into your inner brat child and go for a sweet pair of Mary Janes that match the weird, off center belt that came with your outfit.  Make sure to at least clip on a white Peter Pan collar — it says, “I’m an adult. I’m in charge. Be my sugar daddy.

The “Chocolate River”

Augustus Gloop, Get the Look: You have to be a stud to pull off this look. So if you’re not a stud, I guess go for the poor kid in a turtle neck look. If you wake up every morning, look in the mirror and are completely dazzled by your own charm, then get yourself some lederhosen and hot rollers. After that, it’s truly your winning personality that will pull this look together.

The “Blueberries and Cream”

Violet Beauregarde, Get the Look: If you are planning on gaining a significant amount of weight in very little time (see How to Gain Weight for tips and tricks), remember to wear a bright colored belt so your juiciness can literally pop that [bit]. For a dewy, innocent vibe, try some straight four-year-old girl bangs and/or blue foundation. People will either think you are very cold or an extra in the highly anticipated sequel to Avatar. So fetch.

The “Wonka Vision”

Mike Teevee, Get the Look: Carry a plastic gun with you everywhere. Brandish it at anyone who tries to be friendly. You are a fashionista. You don’t need friendly. Wear a bandana and a scowl at all times, and be sure to find a form-fitting cowboy hat to show off the curves … of your head.

The “Pure Imagination”

Willy Wonka: Get the Look: Purple is the color of royalty. Velvet is the material of divas. So what could possibly be more powerful than a purple velvet coat? A top hat, you fool. A top hat. An unnecessary cane makes a great accessory for any season, especially if you have short friends that you can hit over the head. And don’t even get me started on the bow tie.

The “Doopa Dee Doo”

Oompa Loompas, Get the Look: GTL. GTL. GTL.

Well, now you’re ready to go conquer J. Crew or K-Mart or wherever it is you stampede over your friends and neighbors to save two dollars on something you probably already have. Remember, be true to yourself. That is the real Golden Ticket (gag).

Also, I know you are wondering, so here is a picture of the cast 30 years after the movie:

Fun Fact: Charlie Bucket is now a veterinarian. Gee golly, Mr. Wonka! Dreams do come true!

23 thoughts on “Sporknotes: Willy Wonka Fashion

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