Well, ladies and gentlemen, it is December 8th and I have a word document open that has all of the insults you guys have thrown (typed) at me during the last week. I’m proud to announce the three winners:
3rd place goes to Tiffany Seaman, who actually made me want to throw up and laugh and question my identity for an entire day!
“Who is Christina Wolfgram…?”
So simple, so direct, so painful.
2nd place goes to Nicholas Imbrenda, who caught me by complete surprise very early in the competition.
“Finally after all these years I get to tell the Christina Wolfgram what I really think of her. You madam are nothing more than a voluptuous philandering snollygoster.”
I have no idea if you meant to call me “the” Christina Wolfgram, but tickling my ego and then slamming it with “snollygoster” was awesome. It sounds like a word Roald Dahl would use to describe a fat, greedy, greasy mayor of some poor, gray town. Ugh, I love it. Bravo.
And 1st place goes to someone who also called me “the opposite of Batman.” The insult was well thought out, well crafted, and made my inner third grader weep.
Congratulations Zach Eckstein!!!!
“You don’t even know that the cake is a lie. The force is not with you. You smell worse than the insides of a tauntaun. People like Jar jar binks more than they like you. You are more useless than Mati (the kid with the power of heart from captain planet). If you were Carmen San Diego when someone asked, where in the world you are, it would be a rhetorical question meaning NO ONE CARES. If life is a box of chocolates, you’d be the kind that gets thrown out at the end cause no one wants it. PINK HAIR IS FOR NINNIES.”
I can only hope that the thing about cake being a lie is actually a lie. I think this insult speaks for itself. It’s everything I dreamed. Thank you so much for participating!!
All winners, I will contacting you shortly about the details of your prizes 🙂
If you didn’t win one of my homemade presents, don’t worry! Keep insulting and someday, you too could be the owner of a paper towel with my handwriting on it.
I want to highlight some of the runners-up, if you will. You people are very sharp crayons. I’m so glad I got to be insulted by you. Here are some of the other insults that at least deserve a tissue:
“You’re not nearly as black metal as your surname would lead one to believe, and quite frankly, I feel scammed. Go to LAX and cry, jerk.“
“What kind of person has an insult contest? Oh, is that an attack on your character?”
“I used to think like you. I think I was in preschool when I did.”
“Your hair looks like it was dyed with the tears of a pink clown whose quest for gender equality was stamped upon by the abnormally large, red feet of the other clowns.”
“you smell so bad that you get phone calls from my butt”
“You’re not even worth my time to insult.”
“On the inadequacy scale of 1 – “I brought a supersoaker to a gun fight” your writing falls roughly at “go magikarp!””
“Not even a stray cat would like your hotdogs.”
“You are Insanely, Neurotically, Systematically, Unequivocally Like Tyson.”
Such poetry, you guys! I mean that last one is actually an acrostic poem. That spells out INSULT. That. Is. Magic.
And then, I think some of you got a little confused about what an insult IS:
“this isn’t fair. you’re basically blossom from the power puff girls only more prettier and perfecter. ugh. you suck.
Wait yes! i did it!”
“you dye your hair more than a stripper.”
” …. Slytherin.”
“I have no insults to offer. Sorry.”
Okay, my mom was that last one. She’s such a gem.
So. Uh. Thanks for the … compliments …? I look great in green, I am more hygienic than a stripper, and I am a cartoon super hero? Excuse me while I go write that in my diary …
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR PARTICIPATING, EVERYONE!
I’m blown away by how mean you all are. Very good for my faith in humanity.