My dad is a doctor. He is my hero. He saves lives and listens to people’s problems, and for some reason every piece-of-crap magazine thinks that his home address is his office, so they send issue after STAR MELTDOWN issue, month after month.
These are all good things.
I would never ever spend real money on Us Magazine, but here it is in my lap and I’ve had sizable glass of wine at dinner, so let’s see what the scallywags over there have to say about 2012, shall we?
[I do not own any of the images included in this post. I am an innocent citizen with a terrifically dumb phone and seven copies of Us Weekly. Please do not sue me. Like I said earlier, I have no real money.]
“Us rewinds the year’s births, splits and wackiest trends — even McKayla Maroney is impressed!” reads the caption. Well, first of all, I am not going to believe that until I see a direct quote from my favorite sassy gymnast. Even then, I might not believe that she cares about anyone’s “splits” but her own.
Sadly, Us made the mistake of putting Kate and William on a page next to Kristen Stewart getting real life vampired by some hobo in a dark hoodie. It’s like putting a Jane Austen novel next to your DVD of Coyote Ugly. Just not classy. I guess the royals represent the best and Kristen’s weird pout thing represents the worst. Ugh! I have been living under a rock or something! I forgot I am supposed to care about these people.
Page 2: Miley Cyrus got a haircut. I do actually remember hearing something about that on the news. This is placed right next to “Shocking Splits,” including Will Arnett and Amy Poehler. I don’t understand. Do they have split ends? Because this can’t possibly mean split, like divorced. Must be split ends. They should copy Miley and go for new dos.
Okay, next batch and … engagements. MILEY CYRUS AGAIN? She is engaged? What is she, 16? Oh, no it says she is 20. But she already owns a diamond and that diamond is more famous than me? OH GOD AND THERE IS A PICTURE OF 50 SHADES OF GREY ON THIS PAGE. Must turn page, must escape, must rethink my life drastically …
I have yet to read anything more than the headlines of this review, but this page has pictures of “funky nail art,” so I’ll think about reading some of the fine print. Ah, 64% (of who? Tazmania?) think that Honey Boo Boo’s 15 minutes of fame are up. This picture is of a small girl in a … velvet stripper outfit? And she has a scrunchie around her ankle. The small paragraph says that Honey Boo Boo is “redneckognized.” Time to turn the page.
Squeal! It’s a picture of One Direction! Next to a much smaller picture of the cast of Girls! Also, a meter of “This Year’s Most Shocking Moments.” The first picture is of Angelina Jolie showing off her leg. The last picture is of Lance Armstrong on a bike. Wearing a helmet. Excuse me while I get over this shock.
Hmm. I guess that’s it. The next five pages are of million dollar dresses and trillion dollar babies. Womp.
So how am I feeling? Kind of underwhelmed. 2012 was a big year, just like every year is a big year when you think about it. I’m already seeing my newsfeed clogged up with people bragging about what they have accomplished this year and what will happen in the next. Soon, there will be pictures of people kissing at midnight and drinking champagne or sitting in their living room ironically doing nothing.
I want to say, I don’t care.
But I really do. As much as I want to be bitter, I am glad to see people I know (or sort of know, or maybe met once, friended, and then never saw again) find success. Hey, it could be you next.
As long as you’re not the post child of “The Worst of 2012,” I think you’re doing just fine.