Ask Me How I’m Feeling: US Weekly’s Best of 2012

My dad is a doctor. He is my hero. He saves lives and listens to people’s problems, and for some reason every piece-of-crap magazine thinks that his home address is his office, so they send issue after STAR MELTDOWN issue, month after month.

These are all good things.

I would never ever spend real money on Us Magazine, but here it is in my lap and I’ve had sizable glass of wine at dinner, so let’s see what the scallywags over there have to say about 2012, shall we?

[I do not own any of the images included in this post. I am an innocent citizen with a terrifically dumb phone and seven copies of Us Weekly. Please do not sue me. Like I said earlier, I have no real money.]

Us rewinds the year’s births, splits and wackiest trends — even McKayla Maroney is impressed!” reads the caption. Well, first of all, I am not going to believe that until I see a direct quote from my favorite sassy gymnast. Even then, I might not believe that she cares about anyone’s “splits” but her own.


Sadly, Us made the mistake of putting Kate and William on a page next to Kristen Stewart getting real life vampired by some hobo in a dark hoodie. It’s like putting a Jane Austen novel next to your DVD of Coyote Ugly. Just not classy. I guess the royals represent the best and Kristen’s weird pout thing represents the worst. Ugh! I have been living under a rock or something! I forgot I am supposed to care about these people.


Page 2: Miley Cyrus got a haircut. I do actually remember hearing something about that on the news. This is placed right next to “Shocking Splits,” including Will Arnett and Amy Poehler. I don’t understand. Do they have split ends? Because this can’t possibly mean split, like divorced. Must be split ends. They should copy Miley and go for new dos.

Okay, next batch and … engagements. MILEY CYRUS AGAIN? She is engaged? What is she, 16? Oh, no it says she is 20. But she already owns a diamond and that diamond is more famous than me? OH GOD AND THERE IS A PICTURE OF 50 SHADES OF GREY ON THIS PAGE. Must turn page, must escape, must rethink my life drastically …

I have yet to read anything more than the headlines of this review, but this page has pictures of “funky nail art,” so I’ll think about reading some of the fine print. Ah, 64% (of who? Tazmania?) think that Honey Boo Boo’s 15 minutes of fame are up. This picture is of a small girl in a … velvet stripper outfit? And she has a scrunchie around her ankle. The small paragraph says that Honey Boo Boo is “redneckognized.” Time to turn the page.


Squeal! It’s a picture of One Direction! Next to a much smaller picture of the cast of Girls! Also, a meter of “This Year’s Most Shocking Moments.” The first picture is of Angelina Jolie showing off her leg. The last picture is of Lance Armstrong on a bike. Wearing a helmet. Excuse me while I get over this shock.

Hmm. I guess that’s it. The next five pages are of million dollar dresses and trillion dollar babies. Womp.

So how am I feeling? Kind of underwhelmed. 2012 was a big year, just like every year is a big year when you think about it. I’m already seeing my newsfeed clogged up with people bragging about what they have accomplished this year and what will happen in the next. Soon, there will be pictures of people kissing at midnight and drinking champagne or sitting in their living room ironically doing nothing.

I want to say, I don’t care.

But I really do. As much as I want to be bitter, I am glad to see people I know (or sort of know, or maybe met once, friended, and then never saw again) find success. Hey, it could be you next.

As long as you’re not the post child of “The Worst of 2012,” I think you’re doing just fine.


63 thoughts on “Ask Me How I’m Feeling: US Weekly’s Best of 2012

  1. Hello Miss Christina,

    I came here because Miss Abbe told me to, but I’m still here because you are fun to read. I look forward to reading your future wanderings of thought. Thank you for your time. Oh and much like your sweet Mom, I also hope you have a most wonderful new year dear lady. happiness and smiles

  2. Ηі there, evеry time i used to chеck wеbsitе
    рostѕ herе еarly in thе break of dау, for
    the reаson that i lοve to leaгn more and more.

  3. hi!,I like your writing so much! share we keep up a correspondence extra approximately your article on AOL? I need a specialist in this space to resolve my problem. Maybe that is you! Taking a look ahead to peer you.

  4. I simply want to tell you that I’m newbie to blogs and certainly savored this web site. Very likely I’m want to bookmark your site . You really have terrific writings. Many thanks for revealing your blog site.

  5. I similar to the important data you provide in your own reports.I will bookmark your blog website and check all over again right here frequently.I’m relatively totally sure I’ll discover quite a lot of latest things correct below! Fantastic luck for the next!

  6. I was just searching for this info for a while. After 6 hours of continuous Googleing, at last I got it in your site. I wonder what’s the lack of Google strategy that do not rank this type of informative web sites in top of the list. Normally the top web sites are full of garbage.

  7. I have got 1 suggestion for your weblog. It appears like at this time there are a couple of cascading stylesheet issues when launching a selection of webpages within google chrome and safari. It is running alright in internet explorer. Perhaps you can double check this.

  8. Pingback: online business

  9. Pingback: Jazz

  10. I have been told to improve your creative writing you need to read a lot.. What great classic books, can I read (from any period or country) that will improve my writing.. Genre is unimportant, though I am not writing for children.. I said classic, I read science fiction/recent literature as entertainment. But to improve the quality of writing, read the masters. Can any one write a list of great writers to read..

  11. Between me and my husband we’ve owned more MP3 players over the years than I can count, including Sansas, iRivers, iPods (classic & touch), the Ibiza Rhapsody, etc. But, the last few years I’ve settled down to one line of players. Why? Because I was happy to discover how well-designed and fun to use the underappreciated (and widely mocked) Zunes are.

  12. Pingback: Vintage passion

  13. Thanks for your blog post. The things i would like to add is that personal computer memory has to be purchased in case your computer still can’t cope with that which you do along with it. One can add two random access memory boards with 1GB each, in particular, but not certainly one of 1GB and one having 2GB. One should make sure the maker’s documentation for own PC to make sure what type of memory space it can take.

  14. Pingback: Air Conditioning Fort Lauderdale

  15. Pingback: Remove dead skin

  16. I adore the look of your blog. The colors tend to be matched up perfectly! I have a question, have you got created an structure on your own and design pal? Allow realize, internet marketing delighted purchasing the layout to help the web site!

  17. Pingback: Buy real twitter followers

  18. This is a good subject to talk about. Usually when I find stuff like this I stumble it. This write-up probably won’t do properly with that crowd. I will probably be certain to submit something else though.

  19. In conclusion I was able to finish off their work with the higher education who seem to was forced to compose meant for today. All using you and the report, who have’nt experienced it I might have the opportunity. A very good online site!

  20. Pingback:

  21. Pingback: DoD Enterprise Email DEE

  22. Pingback: plastic surgeon phoenix


  24. Pingback: b2b

  25. Pingback: PU foam

  26. Pingback: Anti aging Calgary

  27. Pingback: adrian morrison linkedin

  28. Pingback: work from home

  29. Pingback: real estate

  30. Pingback: Home Appliances

  31. Pingback: Real Estate Trade

  32. Pingback: Read About it

  33. Have you given any consideration at all with translating your current blog into French? I know a couple of of translaters right here which would certainly help you do it for no cost if you wanna get in touch with me personally.

  34. Pingback: nasal polyps treatment miracle

  35. Pingback: Saint Petersburg

  36. Fantastic beat ! I wish to apprentice while you amend your web site, how can i subscribe for a blog web site? The account helped me a acceptable deal. I had been tiny bit acquainted of this your broadcast offered bright clear idea

  37. I’ve been browsing online more than three hours today, yet I never found any interesting article like yours. It is pretty worth enough for me. In my view, if all website owners and bloggers made good content as you did, the internet will be much more useful than ever before.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *