Tomorrow, my lovely friend and photographer, Winston, is going to shoot me. With a camera. Very exciting.
There is always an unsettling anxiety about knowing you are going to get your picture taken. Like in eighth grade when I thought my hair was getting darker so I used Sun-In every day for a week before school pictures. My head could literally glow in the dark. I didn’t want a repeat of that (or did I?) so here is my “pre-shoot” routine:
1. Giant Dinner. I ate an entire salmon … family, about five rolls, two potato pancakes, corn bread stuffing, and then some chocolate for desert. The last thing I want to do is look hungry in any of these pictures.
2. Face Wash. What are people looking at when they look at pictures? Your face. Obviously. They are looking at your face. To prepare it for the slathering of make-up in the morning, I scrubbed my face until it bled. Just wanted to be thorough.
3. Cleanse. I hear about cleanses all the time in Los Angeles, so I decided to do one for the three hours before going to bed. You are supposed to drink something like ten glasses of water and cayenne pepper, but I modified it and just drank two glasses of water on the rocks, more like one and a half actually. I didn’t want to wake up in the middle of the night to tinkle and then look tired in the photos. Duh.
4. Practice in the Mirror. It’s all about cheekbones, so practice smiling and also making your jaw look skinny.
5. Confidence. After practicing my scowl, picking my acne, and ripping a good chunk of my left eyebrow out with a rogue set of tweezers, I looked at myself in the mirror and said, “You definitely have skin. You are a person that has hair, and also a nose. Your ears work just fine, and your eyebrow will grow back. Photos don’t kill people. People kill photos.”
And with that, I will be ready tomorrow for this: