O little town of Buckingham, a miracle has occurred in Great Britain: unto us, a babe has been born! Okay, but babies are born ALL THE TIME. Even though this little nugget is all over the news, I think it’s important to remember that we are all cut from the same cloth (it’s just that some cloth gets bought at Harrods and some gets bought at Sears). Here are five things you (probably already knew you) have in common with the royal nOOb:
1. Poop. I believe it was Angela Carter who wrote, “Bowels are the great equalizer.” It’s a fact that’s easy to point out, but hard to remember — everybody poops. Little George is going to poop every single day of his life (if he’s lucky), and, heck, he’s probably pooping himself right now. So tonight when you pop a squat for your after dinner “me time,” reflect on the sheer human-ness of the act and feel free to wonder if the royal family has their own team of butt-wipers.
2. Food. “But mummy, I don’t like broccoli!” Yes, it will sound more intelligent coming out of his mouth because of his British accent, but you and R.B. both have food preferences. Odds are, he will be subjected to some heinous dishes during his childhood (blood pudding … made of blood), and by Child Law, he will yearn for French Fries (imported from France) and mac and cheese (imported from Wisconsin). Sound familiar? Whether you had to share with siblings or dogs under the table or royal food testers, you’ve totally gotten out of eating green things in your life. To me, that makes you at least .0008% royal.
3. The Others. Someday poor unsuspecting George will wake up and realize he really likes ladies (or lads). He will be thrown into the pressure cooker that is young love, have his body guards deliver strange notes to his crushes, and feel completely obliterated when Stephanie (or Stephan) goes to the ball with some other shmuck. It probably won’t be until high school that he starts getting action because of his title, which is kind of the equivalent of how boys started paying attention to you once you got your braces off.
4. Dreams. Little peanut Royal Baby will read books (hopefully) and discover that he wants to grow up to be a firefighter or a bobby (policeman) or ice cream parlor owner. He may dream of his eleventh birthday when he’ll receive his letter from Hogwarts. He will probably already have his owl picked out. He could look out at the stars and fantasize about being the first Royal Baby in space. Or, maybe, like his ancestors, he may dream of taking a fleet of ships to another country, declaring that the land and people belong to him, continuing the timeless, beautiful tradition of colonialism that has resulted in so many of the culture we love (or are forced to read about in high school) today.
5. Santa Claus. Just like you and me, Georgie Porgie is going to have most, if not all, of his dreams crushed. He will not get a letter to Hogwarts, he will discover that owls are NOT nice, and he will find out that Daniel Radcliffe is kind of a d-bag. He will never be a firefighter or a bobby or president of the United States. If all goes well, he will never pull a Heart of Darkness. He will realize that he is mortal and that he is the reason his parents don’t take cool topless vacations anymore. He will Google himself and be confused about his place in the universe. I mean, let’s face it, we all have that in common.