‘Appy Birthday, ‘Arry

Today, Harry Potter turns 33. According to Potterpedia, Voldemort was defeated in 1998, so it’s been fifteen years since Harry has had to do any Expelliarmussing (at least in the life-threatening capacity). He has been Head Auror for some time now and has been featured on his very own Chocolate Frog Card (Ron and Hermione also got their own — why I haven’t received any copies of these for Christmas is beyond me). I like to imagine that Harry is spending his birthday headache free, lounging outside on a rare sunny day in London, having a fancy long lunch with Ginny and the kids. Maybe Ron and Hermione join him for dinner and a show (what show? Book of Mormon? Would they even understand those Muggle jokes?). Even though the divine J.K. Rowling tied such a lovely bow on the series, I still have SO many lingering questions:

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Like, did Ginny get an epidural when she gave birth to little James, Lily, and Severus? Was she allowed to apparate when she was pregnant? Are there such things as magical condoms? Or a “Pill” spell? What is the Ministry of Magic’s stance on women’s health?

Have the Weasleys been fun grandparents? Or do they often show up unannounced to check up on the little ones? Do wizards use pregnancy tests? Do you think that Harry was ever tempted to give his babies a sleeping potion when they wouldn’t stop crying? After having such a traumatizing life, did Harry ever wonder if he should have children at all? Does he kick himself for taking such a dangerous job, putting himself and his family at risk? Does he have a pension? A retirement plan? Does paying taxes stress him out?

HOW DO HARRY AND RON EVEN GET ANYTHING DONE IF HERMIONE ISN’T WORKING IN THEIR DEPARTMENT?

Do you think Harry and Hermione ever accidentally saw each other naked when they were traveling together? I mean, not even in a sexy way, more like I-walked-in-on-you-peeing sort of way? Who do you think is more attracted to Harry: Hermione or Ron?

Or Draco?

What happened to George? I feel like there is a good chance that he’s become an alcoholic, stumbling into Harry’s house in the middle of Thanksgiving dinner, sobbing and wearing two pairs of earmuffs. Poor George. Is there any research on what happens to twins if one dies? Do George’s sentences trail off because there is no Fred to finish them? Did George start going to church, did he start praying more often? Or did he choose something else: excessive exercise, poetry, or cigarettes? Fire Whiskey?

How many of them can see thestrals now?

What does Hogwarts look like these days, after the remodeling? Did they take a more modern approach and ditch the classic castle look? Does anyone use the Chamber of Secrets as a classroom yet? Is there a wing named after Dumbledore? Snape? Dobby? Are House Elves still a thing?

Did Hagrid ever have any kids? Or use a dating website? A dating website for giant offspring? Anyone want to take bets on how many minutes into Harry and Ginny’s wedding he started crying?

Do Harry’s kids have iPhones? Or are they hipster enough to still use owls? Do they think American accents sound stupid? Do they ever talk back to Harry? Does he yell? Does he tell them they will never understand how lucky they are? Does he ever make them take time outs … maybe in the small space under the stairs?

And does Harry know how much we used to look forward to his birthdays? When the magic would start up again, aunts would get blown up, the Quidditch World Cup would go awry, or the letter (the letter we are all still waiting for) would find us in a little hut on a rock, no matter how terrible storm was brewing outside.

Happy Birthday, Harry. Thanks for everything.

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