Confession: I saw Hannah Montana: The Movie in theaters. Oh, and in my basement, you will find a Hannah Montana board game that I used to play with my best friend and my younger sister (but mostly with my best friend because my sister thought the game was dumb). Also, in my nightstand at home, I have a photo album with Hannah Montana on the cover. I really liked Hannah Montana in high school, okay? Miley Cyrus was a cool kid! She didn’t sing with that terrible Disney nasal shrillness and she had all that hair! That impossible amount of hair. Plus, she was pretty funny for a twelve year old.
Miss Cyrus dropped off my radar for a while after I went to college, mostly because I could no longer hide my fandom behind my little sister. Recently though, I AM OBSESSED. Her song, “We Can’t Stop” is not about partying or drugs like the tabloids are spinning — it is about how many times I scroll through her Twitter pictures. Why? Why?!
After some ruminating and staring out into the endless sea of Google images, I’ve decided that this is why I am re-loving Miley to an unhealthy degree: her style (that hair! those high-waisted pants! crop tops for days!), her body (it’s just … so bite-sized), and her attitude (“It’s my mouth, I can say what I want to”).
Most days, I feel good about loving Miley, but there are days where things get rough. I try to wear gold rings on all my fingers or I seriously contemplate getting a bleached man-cut (been there, done that). Or, the worst, I eat an itty-bitty lunch and do a pathetic hour of pilates in hopes of waking up with tiny little ribs jutting from the tops of myteeny-tiny abs. I think stupid things, like, “I could sing when I was a child! Why wasn’t I famous?! Then maybe by now I’d finally be able to wear pleather.” Why hasn’t my career path crossed with Miley’s?
Well, I did my research, and I think it’s pretty obvious why I am not Miley Cyrus (hint: because Miley Cyrus is Miley Cyrus). With that being said, here is my Brief History of Miley Cyrus (and Christina Wolfgram):
1. 1992: Miley is born Destiny Hope Cyrus. Her dad is country music star Billy Ray Cyrus, and her godmother is Dolly Parton. Her parents nickname her “Smiley” because she smiles so much.
I start talking at the age of 18 months. In the process of learning to walk, I skip the “crawling stage” and scoot around on my butt instead. My parents nickname me “Scooter.” The nickname doesn’t stick, proving that there is a God.
2. 2003: Miley has her first movie role as a “Young Ruthie” in Big Fish. She makes an appearance on her dad’s TV show and starts taking singing and acting lessons.
I make my stage debut as “2nd Little Pig” in my middle school’s production of “The Three Little Pigs.” Later that year, I perform “America the Beautiful” at a school assembly, but stop midway because I laugh at my own voice cracking.
3. 2006: At age 12, Miley has her big break playing Hannah Montana on the Disney Channel. Her second album goes triple platinum, and she is compared to The Beatles when her concerts sell out in minutes.
4. 2009: After releasing Hannah Montana, The Movie, Miley publishes her autobiography, Miles to Go. She also performs for the Royal Family in England.
5. 2012: Miley gets engaged to her stud Last Song co-star, Liam Hemsworth. They buy some dogs together.
6. 2013: Miley responds to allegations about her weight-loss by saying she’s given up dairy and gluten while practicing Pilates daily. Even though she and Gale broke up, “We Can’t Stop” is the only song on the radio (besides that “you’re my remedy” one) that doesn’t make me immediately change stations.
I recently renounced my longtime vegetarianism, and in the past 24 hours have eaten a cheeseburger AND chicken wings.
So, you see, it would be impossible to be Miley Cyrus. We’ve grown up in completely alternate universes. While it’s fun to troll celebrity’s instagrams, it’s important to remember that it’s their JOB to look that good. The next time you find yourself Googling “Celebrity Weight Loss,” remember that famous people do not live in this world. They live in a filtered world … where Dolly Parton is your godmother and you are a household name at twelve. Be happy for the life YOU live and the cheeseburgers YOU eat.
Besides, if you switched bodies with Miley Cyrus, your life would be a whole other Disney movie …