An Open Letter from Toilet Paper to His Mom

Dear Mom, Well, it’s happened. I’ve hit the big time. I am writing to you from the bathroom of the Penthouse Suite in the Regent Beverly Wilshire. It costs $7,500 a night to stay here, so I’m practically wetting myself in anticipation. Who is going to come through those doors? What kind of fancy delicacies […]

On Love

I did not know love before you. You have completely changed my life. I spend the whole day with your body pressed to mine, and to part from you is to crave you. I wonder what you’re doing when I’m gone. I wonder what my absence means to you. I wonder if you wait for […]

An Open Letter to Lil Wayne

[This post contains crude language and some crazed lady-ranting. I’m not apologizing. I’m just saying.] Dear Mr. Wayne, Last week, a friend sat me down and insisted I listen to what he deemed “the most misogynistic song to ever exist.” While I usually don’t go out of my way to listen to music that will make […]

Pope, Lock, and Drop It

Greetings Universe, It is I, your new pope. Surprised? I know I am a little young and fertile and the proud owner of two gorgeous ovaries, but I have been wearing dresses my whole life and I did go through a healthy Madonna phase when I was a preteen (see: Fashion Crosses). You’ll also be […]

Letters from Downton

SPOILER ALERT: This post contains made up things that allude to real plot details of Downton Abbey. May I suggest that you have your butler read it first so you don’t see anything that might upset you? I was recently re-watching (yes, I admit to plundering the internet) season three of Downton Abbey, and in […]

Open Letters from the Counting Crows Concert

Dear Couple Next to Me, I am not so good at concerts, probably because I grew up going to the Kennedy Center every few months to see the National Symphony Orchestra, and in the Kennedy Center there are throat lozenges available for people who think they might cough during performances, and coughing is frowned upon. […]

A Love Letter

Dear Reader (Mom), Thank you so much for following my thoughts for the past few months (22 years, 6 months, and 2 days). It means more than I can describe that you read the silly things that I try to explain (ramble about) in clear, concise language (unintelligibly on the phone for two hours). I […]